the truth about pain

Contrary to my normal positive outlook on living with pain, I think it's time I admit that living with pain sucks.

Constant pain, throughout my entire body, rules my life. At the same time it ruins my family life. Since I am generally suffering from pain or other maladies it has become something I talk about apparently more than I should.

It has become a source of annoyance as well as worry. It has become an added burden to those I never wanted to do anything but give to. And, I still give- everything I have, even on my worst days.

But the truth is that it's my problem. My pain. My loss of identity because I feel like I'm no longer the bubbly, fun person I was. I am the person in pain. And, most likely, everyone (or almost everyone) is exhausted because of it.

Pain sucks.

Pain sucks the life out of me. I struggle everyday to be the person who has only love and kindness to give. I am still that person, but no one sees anything but the pain I am in.

I can no longer burden those I love with the details and accounts of my pain. I need other outlets (like blogging). I need the freedom to be sad, scared and anxious about it without destroying the emotional and mental health of those I love.

It's an empty place, but I plan to fill it up. I may be at my bottom, but acknowledging and being honest about how much I hurt (physically and emotionally) should free me up to be the person I remember being.

I won't let pain define me any longer. I'm sure I'll still be in pain and it will still suck, but I won't live there.

I wish you a pain-free life.

peace and love,

sunee

fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia can often feel like it's taking the life right out of you.

Somedays it can be hard to just get dressed. On those days my self-esteem often suffers because I feel that I cannot accomplish anything.

I've already had to leave a teaching job I loved because the pain was so great that I couldn't function and I was pushing myself so hard I would collapse the second I walked in the door.

Even without working I cannot be all that I would like to be for my family. Pain, besides the obvious discomfort, is exhausting. And, for me, if the pain is severe, causes anxiety. Especially when deep pain strikes out of nowhere.

But those of us with this condition, and similar ones (like an autoimmune disease like I have as well) need to accept that it's okay to rest instead of doing the million things on our imaginary lists.

It's okay to take a warm bath or take a nap, or as I do, sit with my heating pads and read or play word games. Distractions are good. Meditation, a good book, a TV show or movie, or, if you're like me, any word game will do. In fact, I'm addicted to them and they have eased me through some terrible flare ups.

I'm learning to let go of the expectations I've placed on myself and care for my body (and spirit). I exercise as prescribed and do what I can each day. After all, tomorrow is another day. And, we may not be able to get to everything tomorrow. But the best we can do for ourselves is to find ways to cope with the pain so we can enjoy our families and our lives.

It's hard to completely change from a do everything for everyone every minute woman to an easy paced, do what I can one. What's even harder is not falling into a depression because we can't do what we'd like. We can't sit through a movie in a theatre. We can't always go meet friends. We may even lose friends because we're not as mobile as we used to be.

So I'm reinventing my daily life. I assess how I'm feeling and do only what I can do without causing more pain. I exercise 4-5 times a week. I nap. I read and I write and, of course, play word games. This simple lifestyle allows me to cook dinner for my family more often. It allows me to be better company. It doesn't take the constant pain away, but it makes life more enjoyable and it makes it easier to cope.

When we have chronic pain conditions we have to adjust our lives almost completely, but we don't need to give up having a life. So be good to yourself, take it slow and find some distractions to get you through the rough spots.
peace and love and good health to all,

sunee

creativity

Let's face it- most of us get uptight, wound up, stressed out. A fact of life, maybe, but one we should try to avoid.

We can meditate, practice some Yoga, listen to music and a million other things to calm us down and rejuvenate ourselves. But one way that helps me is to get creative. I write. Stories, plays, poems. I listen to music and let the mood carry me. It takes me out of my head for awhile and then I can deal with the problems that face me with a clear mind.

Whether life is on a bumpy path or maybe you have chronic pain like I do, we all need to stop the mind chatter, for at least a little while, and just be.

Creativity works well for me. Not that I don't enjoy Yoga or meditating. I do. A lot. But I need to express myself in an artistic fashion. Sometimes it's just coloring in a coloring book. Mostly I try to write everyday. Even a few lines of a story, some sketches or playing a song on the guitar can ground you.

So if you need to relieve some pain, be it emotional or physical, try something creative. Let it all out on paper, in a song, on a canvas.

We all deserve some clarity and self-expression from time to time. Or, like me, all the time.

peace and love,

sunee

every little things gonna be alright

I truly believe Bob Marley had it right- "Don't worry about a thing cause every little things gonna be alright." And even though we may panic, stress and project, in most cases things work out for the best.

I am prone to panic, anxiety and stress. I'm wound up most of the time. It isn't healthy or fun. So I'm working on using Bob Marley's words as my mantra.

Change, expectations, illness, bills, loss. We all go through these to a certain extent. We can chose to live in it, wallow in the "why me?" or accept what's up and move forward.

As I've said before, pity parties are no fun. I might add that panic attacks aren't either. Taking it one thing at time is the only way. One way I calm myself down is to triage the situation. I deal with the most predominant issue first. Having dealt with what's most pressing takes some of the stress off.

If we deal with one thing at a time- the things we can deal with or fix- each thing becomes a little less stressful and easier to grasp. We can't solve all our problems in one sitting.

I've put a lot of stress on myself in the past, due to my illness, worries about money, false assumptions of what others expect of me. None of this made my life easier. In fact it added to my pain.

So, I've decided that I am going to use Bob Marley's words as my mantra for now on. Listen To "Three Little Birds" and you'll understand why.

peace and love,

sunee

change

Change can open doors we feared never existed. However, change, in and of itself, can be scary.

Once again I am faced with change due to my illnesses, and, once again I remind myself that good things come from change.

Although I am tremendously sad that I can no longer teach due to excessive pain (and a load of other problems) I know that we can only do what we can do. Returning to the classroom was a wonderful experience and I adored my students and the faculty. It reminded me of what I am capable of.

The six months I was in the classroom was extremely rewarding and successful, but the Fibromyalgia and Sjogren's Syndrome made each day a challenge. I struggled to get through each day, but the love and care of my students and coworkers helped me to hang on as long as I did. It was an incredibly fortunate to be surrounded by people who cared about me.

I was stubbornly dragging my aching body to work everyday when a coworker brought to my attention what my family had been saying all along. I thought I was fooling everyone and that no one could tell how much I was suffering. But I was wrong.

Now that I'm no longer teaching I need to not only accept, but embrace, the change. That can be easier said than done, of course, but I'm easing into it. I plan to write, something I squeezed into my busy life before but now can dedicate myself to.

Change is inevitable. By bending and swaying with the changes we can open doors we never knew existed. That doesn't mean we forget where we came from, of course. That is what made us who we are today.

Stay fluid.

peace and love,

sunee

going with the flow

It's easy to see how a person can drive his/herself crazy trying to control everything. Besides feelings of self-doubt when things don't go according to "my plan," I also get anxious. What's going to happen?

I think life requires a great deal of surrender and flexibility. Things don't always go as planned, but that shouldn't cause us to ridicule ourselves or try harder to make our way the way.

There are so many tragedies in and around our lives- beyond our control. All we can do is sympathize, emphasize and offer love and encouragement to those around us.

I always wonder why many of us (well, me) cannot treat ourselves with that same compassion and realizations that life flows as it should and we're just along for the ride- hopefully trying to do what's right in a gentle, flexible way.

I want to let go of control. I need to let go of control. I'm losing a bit of my sanity just trying to control what I simply can't. I have limitations and I'm learning what they are bit by bit. Now I have to accept them.

It's the start of new year. Challenges and obstacles will fill our path, but I know it we take it easy and breezy with a genuine spirit we'll make it through. We don't need to be in charge.

So, I hope you'll join me in giving up control and be free to genuinely experience what's ahead.

peace and love,

sunee

reflections

As I reflect on this past year I feel as though I grew in many ways. That's not to say I don't have much more growth in store for me.

For one thing, I used to try to control EVERYTHING. Control, however, is a funny thing. In my case it doesn't just add the normal I'm-a-perfectionist stress. It causes me additional symptoms to my conditions- Fibromyalgia and Sjogren's Syndrome. I experience greater fatigue, additional pain to what is already chronic and, well, bad.

Control is misleading and overrated. It doesn't allow us to flow with the groove of life and it's kind of rude.

Instead I tried to allow people to help me. I took on teaching again- a situation that by it's very nature requires flexibility. I accepted others growth and change better than I ever had before. I tried to go with flow.

I even ventured out of my comfort zone and entered writing competitions. I will no longer let fear control me or let my need for perfection hinder me.

A I start a new year, with everyone else, I plan to be more accepting. Accepting of what I can do physically and accepting of those I love. I can let go of needing to do everything perfectly. It destroys.

In 2011 I plan to relax and just be. Not be afraid and not be controlling. Just be loving, peaceful, creative and good to my body and mind. That is how I will be good to those I love.

I hope my rambling reflections helped someone reflect on his/her own life. I've learned a lot and I certainly have A LOT more to learn. But not in a rush. Easy and Breezy.

happy new year. may you find blessings and joy.

peace and love,
sunee