When I was learning to write plays my mentor said that I couldn't break the rules until I learned the rules. I needed to learn the tried and true way that playwrights for centuries had successfully crafted plays before I went off on my own merry way and tried new things.
I'm learning that the same is true for, well, just about everything. But, what I was thinking about today has been taking care of myself.
While I was resting today, which is still a fairly new concept for me, I was reminiscing about different chapters of my life and I realized that I was a little bit of a rebel. I knew the rules, and I always seemed to get the desired outcome, in fact I was a perfectionist, but the paths I took to get there weren't the straight and narrow.
Not that I was unorthodox in my ways. Even I am cracking a smile when I read that. I didn't do anything strange. I'm just a rule bender. However, I firmly believe in what my mentor taught me about learning, even mastering, the right way first.
All of this brings me to taking care of myself. As a care giver by nature, I spent the majority of my life worrying about the needs of others. I still spend the majority of my life caring for others and worrying about their needs, but a change is taking place.
I started putting myself first (to the best of my ability) when I first got sick. I spent my days resting- not really by choice, and doing the things I knew I needed to in order to feel and be as well as possible.
But life gets busy. Things happen that shake up our routines. I'll get back on track with my routine tomorrow doesn't always happen.
And before I became a master, or even proficient, at taking care of myself I was bending all of the rules until they broke. How can you even take good care of yourself if you don't make yourself a priority?
Fortunately, one of the components of both Sjogren's Syndrome and fibromyalgia is chronic fatigue. It is unfortunate for those planning to work and be out in the world, but for me it is the driving force behind my resting daily.
I didn't know how to slow down, let alone stop, without something making me. The fatigue had been forcing me to rest for the first couple of years, but I fought it. Today as I got comfy and closed my eyes, letting the fatigue set in, I realized that I had been fighting the wrong battle.
I'm one of the lucky ones. I am surrounded by people who want me to take care of myself. There's no guilt or resentment. The only one keeping me from allowing my pained and fatigued body the rest and relaxation it required was me and some over developed sense that I needed to do more than simply be me.
The more rest I get the clearer my thinking becomes. I guess you can't bend the rules in everything. And, why should I? So the kitchen is a little cleaner? I can save it for a day I feel stronger. There are no rewards for pushing myself- except more pain and upset family members.
I didn't chose to get sick and there is nothing I can do to change it. (That's controversial. However, traditional medicine offers no cure for my autoimmune disease. I'm researching non-traditional medicinal choices.) What I can do is accept what is and work with it instead of fighting against it.
As a rule bender by nature, this has been an education for me. There's no round about way to getting rest. You rest to get rest. And when you let yourself enjoy it, rest can be a wonderful thing. Who knew? Clearly everyone but me.
Taking care of myself is more than just resting. Following all of my different doctors orders. It's eating right and staying hydrated. Cutting out certain foods and coffee (ops!). Trying to get some exercise. Keeping myself spiritually and emotionally healthy. Having creative outlets. Et cetera...
However, the most important aspect is rest. Not only does it help keep my strength up and possibly my pain down, it helps me think rationally. If I'm thinking rationally it is far easier to deal with the worst pain than when I'm exhausted. That's just the facts.
So, now instead of fighting fatigue I'll be spending the afternoons with a large stack of pillows (and possibly a heating pad or two) and my dogs, taking good care of myself. And I used to look at rest as a bad thing!
peace and love,
sunee
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